Here is some food for thought: You never know what crazy, random occurrence might happen which could ignite a “flashback” in someone who has bona fide PTSD…

Yesterday I was sitting on my laptop and I get a call from my husband. He says, “I’m coming home now”...well that’s earlier than expected. "Why cut it short today?" But he sounded pretty-shaken up, and I’m just not used to hearing him sound so vulnerable, and I thought he might have just finished hyperventilating....so then I got real concerned! Well it just so happened that he was driving through a school-zone in the afternoon, in Louisville. Traffic was stopped at a crosswalk as children were leaving for the day. The light was green, but there was a policeman that was acting as a ‘crossing-guard’, directing vehicles so the children could “safely” cross the street, etc. Problem is, the policeman wasn't holding a sign, or anything, like you know...a big red STOP sign! Of course the lights just kept going through the cycle.  Somehow, drivers are supposed to see the police-man’s hand with a fluorescent-green glove on it, and be able to read the tiny little stop-sign on his palm! It's a 4 lane street, mind you.  

Sure enough, an old man came cruising along, because the light was green you see.  At the same time, the policeman had just gestured to the children to come across the walk.  Andy noticed a little boy glancing up at the police-officer with an uneasy look on his face, like he didn't trust the situation. But the officer insisted it was safe, and told the kids to move forward. And of course, he being the authority, the kids just did what they were told.  Did the old man notice the little children heading across the street? Of course not.... Not until he was about a hair’s length away from running a small child over with his car, squishing him flat! The kid jumped back far enough, just in the nick-of-time, for the old man to skid to a halt without punting the kid 30 feet up in the air. The child looked to be about 7 yrs old and was pretty small. He lost his balance and fell to the ground when he abruptly moved back, so there is probably some scrapes he'll have to deal with, but what's worse is the fear the poor kid went through. Then there was Andy, sitting in his truck at the cross walk, watching the whole time. The abruptness of the commotion going on at that moment brought on a rash emotions that started to overwhelm him, and put him in a very uncomfortable place.

Now, I would have been a little jumpy after seeing something like that, but my emotions would have dissipated quickly, and I would have moved on with my day. 

That’s because I don’t have any traumatic experiences from my past which I might (subconsciously) associate to that event. I would not have encountered the same physiological triggers that Andy indelibly had, because my experiences were nothing like his, I don't have the imprints of a war on my mind. When I asked him what was going through his mind when he realized that he was having a "flashback", he said that he must have just panicked at the thought of that little boy being hit, because suddenly he felt helpless, sitting there about to watch a child lose his life. It reminded him of the impending doom that so many innocent people fell collateral to while he was in a war zone. He started seeing the faces of the children in Iraq that had been hurt, or killed, by explosives: mortars, roadside bombs, etc. It was that same emptiness, that same pit in the bottom of his stomach that he had when he saw something that was happening right before his eyes, but there was nothing he could do about it. He was unable to stop it, like his hands were tied behind his back. And it all came to him in a split second. A wave of anger overwhelmed him because he couldn't change the sequence of events. He wasn't able to control the situation in any way, so not only did he feel sick, he felt worthless. The images of the children he had seen in Iraq who were blown up by mortars and roadside bombs just flipped through his mind instantaneously, like flipping through a deck of cards. He remembered picking up their wounded, sometimes lifeless, bodies and transporting them back to the hospital. His Stryker quickly went from a fighting vehicle to an ambulance. Even though he was an infantryman, he had to play the role of ambulance driver. 'Oh man, I don't want to have to get out of this truck and see another dead child.' There is nothing that disturbs him more than seeing that. It's hard to imagine how all of these thoughts can come on to someone in a matter of seconds, but the mind (as they say) is a mysterious thing.

So it’s been, what, 5 or 6 years since he’s been to a war zone, yet he still gets thrown back into it from time to time.  It could be a sound, a smell, an image; any sensory mechanism can trigger a flashback. Seeing a child in the face of danger is a major trigger for him. He is a prisoner of circumstance.  

I’m going to assume that a halfway intelligent person can conceive there are many different jobs within the military, and not every job exposes the service-member to life-threatening elements. I also assume that the average person can conclude that not everyone who goes to war comes out with PTSD. The vast majority do not. The reason for this is not known, as there are many factors at-hand. One being that there is as stigma placed on soldiers who recognize PTSD and seek help for it. So many will never admit they have it; they'll just live miserably. Everybody's experiences are just as individual as the person.  

Andy is in no way the “stereotypical” war vet that society has pegged: like the guy who ‘freaks out’ and breaks things, or grabs a bottle of whiskey to drown his anxieties. All of that’s a crock!  I admit that Andy’s biggest advantage is having a wife that understands PTSD as well as I do, and that I encourage him to discuss it. Many have no one to talk to.

A very generalized criteria for diagnosis of PTSD......

Sethanne Howard and Mark W. Crandall, MD 

US Naval Observatory, retired, Wash. DC 

Reisterstown, Maryland

There are six criteria for a diagnosis of PTSD. (1) The person goes through or sees something that involves actual or threatened death or serious injury. The person responds to this with intense fear, helplessness or horror. (2) The person then relives this traumatic event through dreams, or recollections. He or she can behave as if the trauma is actually happening right then, and can react strongly to events that even resemble the original trauma. (3) The person tries desperately to avoid this, and to avoid anything associated with the trauma, in fact, may not even remember the trauma yet still react strongly to certain stimuli. (4) The person often has difficulty sleeping and concentrating. He or she may be hyper-vigilant. All this lasts longer than (5) a month and causes (6) significant distress in daily life.

Confessions and TV dinners...

TV dinners! You, like TV dinners? Do you even call them TV dinners anymore? Nom-nom trays of food. The frozen ones. They don't really taste all that great do they? But they fill you up! I think TV dinners somehow always make the list of intrepid inventions that will eventually take the blame for the breakdown of families in America. Trays of high caloric food substance materials...it's sad, but they do get a bad rap! O.K. I agree that it's not all that wonderful to sit with your family at meal time in front of a TV, all eating separate meals, everyone sitting alone behind individual 'TV trays'; no one facing each other, because you're all facing the screen -yeah, it's not the best way to bond as a family! But don't pick on the TV dinner! I will be the first to say (and I know I'm probably not actually the first to say) that there is no question about it, no denying, that the invention of  the TV dinner is absolutely, legen..."wait for it"...dary! So I stole that from Barney Stinson...You've got to imagine how fascinating that would have been at the time, to go from an old conventional way of living: cooking for hours, standing over the stove, pitting, peeling, mashing, boiling, trimming, tenderizing, marinating, frying, etc etc... just to make one meal, to the new, simplistic life =reaching into your freezer, pulling out a single tray full of food, popping it into an oven, and soon after you get a fully cooked, well balanced meal! Okaaaay, so not so well balanced, but at least it's one that had been previously wrapped, packaged, and frozen for our convenience! No wonder such a lifestyle was easily adopted! And that was even before the microwave was invented!

So, after all these many years, since the 1950's, fully cooked-frozen meals have never stopped selling! Look around, they're even selling more! Look at how many frozen food isles there are in the grocery store! Our appetite for quick fix food will continuously increase..Listen to this, I don't even like to have to wait the minute that it takes for my oatmeal to cook in the microwave! And waiting for my toast to pop-up! Boring! Silly huh!? It's true though, and that's why we buy pre-cooked, pre-packaged, frozen meals. It's the same thing as buying a TV dinner, though.  By the way, the name was changed from "TV Dinner" to "Frozen Meal" in the early 60's. I think it had to do with bad marketing. The critics were like, "you shouldn't eat in front of a TV with your family...not good", so they took the name TV off the label. BOO! I like TV in front of my dinner, or actually dinner in front of the TV. :) But that's only because my kids are mostly grown. I say mostly because I only have the one at home. We still eat at the table, for the record.

Old fashioned TV dinners are "cheap" or "unhealthy", right?! Whatever! They're no different than the frozen pizzas or frozen waffles in your freezer.  Go open up your freezer and look. Look at your frozen foods! Yeah, those frozen fruits you got there, and the vegetables! Whaaaaaaaat you mean you didn't grow your own vegetable?! You know what, we're all the same (unless you do happen to grow your own vegetables and do things 100% organic). Otherwise we all like the convenient, no-talent cooking, easy lifestyle. So to make a long story short, I ate a "Hungry Man"! I was hungry, I wanted to eat something without cooking, so I at the Turkey meal and I'm not hungry anymore! I'm not condoning eating high-caloric, super-sodium, bad-carb, comfort-meals all the time, but sometimes :)

Yesterday I was out looking for a video game called Halo Reach, yes an old game, but Alex broke his a long time ago and I was hoping to replace it. We were in the game isle and Andy saw "Diablo III". He commented on how much he wanted it, but he knew we weren't going to buy it! Uh, No! Except...we did! Well, I bought it because I knew he really wanted it so I kind of felt bad that he didn't get it, so I surprised him. After I left the store I told him I bought him a surprise. He said, "Oh really?" I told him, "Guess what it is.", and he said, "I'm pretty sure I already know." yeah, he was right. Funny thing, though, after he found out that he now owns Diable III, he kept finding reasons to go home. It was funny! He was discreetly mentioning stuff that he needed to do at the house. I know he wanted to make a beeline home just to play his game. So I cut the trip short and came home.  

I told Andy, "why don't we take our laptops, go up to the bedroom, and just chill side by side on the bed". Usually that means Andy plays a game on his laptop, and I open up 7 different windows on mine: my usual spread =Facebook, Twitter, gmail, ancestry.com, new.familysearch.org, a news link, and of course YouTube, so I can watch documentaries in the background (especially Neil Oliver documentaries). 

Around 8 pm I noticed myself getting hungry so I told Andy that we would have to eat TV dinners tonight. Then I asked him if he could "cook" them. HAHA Hard job! It took about an hour, I guess. I went down and grabbed the meals, put them on a tray with a glass of milk, and brought them upstairs  I had my laptop, he had his, we both put on our headphones (yes the big giant ones because they block out the noise and they sound the best!) and we went about our own agenda, but ate peacefully in our bed! Alone, but together. Or maybe together but alone. :) Whatever the case, we were happy to be around each other but doing our own thing!

That is why I appreciate the good 'ol TV dinner! Because in that moment, those boxed turkey and gravy provisions were kind of like a monument to our relationship! Symbolic of our marriage, if you will. How you ask? It's like this: Andy and I are at the point in our lives where, and mind you we've been together for 22 years, we like to be around each other, but we don't necessarily like to be with each other every moment of the day.  We both appreciate each other, and like being able to sit next to each other, but we also like that we don't have to give 100% of our attention to one another. If you ask me, I prefer doing my own thing while he's working on his. It's like a baby learning to play on their own, they peak around the corner to confirm that mommy's still there, and after they confirm it they go back to playing on their own. Sometimes we can be in the same house all day and not see each other for hours! You see, we both love our personal space! Now, do I mind that he can play a computer game for hours at a time? Once in awhile! But not too often. Most of the time I don't mind because I get to do things my way. All by myself. I get the personal space I need! That's what I really want in life...personal space! 

I know it's not healthy for all couples to be independently entertained like this, but it's great for us. I'm glad that I've come to grips with the fact that Andy and I are just not like a lot of couples who can just talk and talk and talk to each other all day! They can do everything together! Watch movies together, play games together, fold laundry together, clean together! I can't figure out why anyone would want that. Yes, we do talk, but it's usually when we are out walking the dogs, or in the car, or when something really needs to be discussed. Mostly it's right before we fall asleep at bedtime. Other than that, we like our silence. Maybe it's because we're so used to Alex filling the air with noise 24 hours a day that by the time that child is done talking we are exhausted! Anyway, don't be surprised if ever you call looking for Andy and I tell you, "I don't know where he is, I'll have to go find him."  It's true! 

We are having a romantic evening with TV dinners !
 OK the cheesy pic  is my idea, of course.
 He really loves me to go along with it like he does! 

On a final note, we sure are some old folks set in our ways. That's hard to swallow that fact when you want your spouse to do things differently at times. Who doesn't? But I've had to face the fact that we're all grown up now, and no one is changing. We are who we are! Strange! With Andy and me, you can't have one without the other. The storms we've weathered together have made us rock solid, even though once in awhile we want to push the other one off the face of the earth, it's just what happens when two people become too much like one another. Bummer! But yeah, 20 years of marriage, what can you expect? TV dinners. 

It's already that time again?!

Where has all the time gone?

Remember when we were kids and we always heard our parents speak about losing track of time by phrases such as, "I can't believe it's already July!", "Christmas is only one week away?!", or "where did all the time go?"  When I would hear that I remember thinking 'yeah right', because as a kid I had a pretty good sense of time and I knew exactly where my days went.  Sometimes time would just draaaag until the next exciting event.  It was hard to wait for dates like Valentine's Day, the 1st Day of School, Halloween, and of course Christmas.  I used to think, 'how the heck do they not know how close we are to Christmas?!', because I was dying for it to finally arrive.  And not only that, I also had no problem memorizing 50 different phone numbers at a time, or recalling the names of new people I just met.  To think of it, I didn't even own a day planner until I had my third kid!  It was never an issue for me to remember Dr.'s appointments and other specific dates, never having had to write them down.  I'd get a call from the clinic, "your appointment is on Sept. 19 at 11:15 am."  You know what, I never wrote it down!  I showed up at the exact time and date.  If that was even a possibility in my life today I would consider myself a genius.  Newp! Eventually something happened, don't know how or when, but it was like I had come to the edge of a cliff, then suddenly fell off into an abyss of numbers.  I can truly say that I have lost all sense of time.  I have to have a calendar by my side everyday of the week to remind me what I'm doing this day, and which kid needs to be taken where -heck sometimes I don't even know what day of the week it is until I check the calendar.  So this is how 'growing up' can be summed up; you lose sense of time. 

Well, 'nuff said about that.  It was really supposed to lead into the realization that the end of 2012 is just 5 days away.  Not fun when I have a feeling that I'm not finished with something important, and I really can't think of what it is, but I feel rushed for some reason.  Oh, maybe it's the fact that I'm supposed to be driving mom and Julia back to Cheney, WA, in about 1 and 1/2 weeks. Yikes! That's going to be a 4 day trip there; one week stay at mom's; a 4 day trip home; and keeping up with Alex's homeschool while we're on the road.  Noooo I don't like to think about it!  It's going to be cold and snowy throughout the drive.  I hope we can do this.  It has to be done.  Julia is moving in with mom so she can help take care of the house, go to college, and to get out from under our wing so she can flyyyyyyyyy!  Haha, she's such a little adult already.  Of all my kids, I have the least bit of worry for her. She's pretty witty and very inquisitive, so if there is something she doesn't know or can't yet accomplish it'll only be a matter of time until she does!  Good Girl! 

I am also stressing about some personal issues that MUST MUST MUST be resolved, or I just may not make it through: meaning having a nervous break-down, locking myself up in a looney-bin, becoming a basket-case...who knows.  If I don't get it together I will lose out of many beautiful opportunities ahead.  I think it's time for some goal setting, and what better time to do it than New Years 2013!! I'm going to make my list, check it twice, and wipe away my naughty ways to make them NICE!  So, that was dumb, but I had fun with it. 

I will probably have to blog my list of resolutions in the next couple of days...just as a sweet reminder for me to say on track.  But in the meantime, listen to how our Christmas went! 

Christmas eve: 
I decided that having guests over for dinner was the best way to spend it. As always I invited a few families to join us!  Those in attendance were Eliot and Isabel Beltran with their four children and Isabel's mother and step-dad. Also, the Westover's came: Priscilla and Steve brought their two sons, Ethan and Nick.  Then my favorite neighbors, the Varelas' were with us as well.  Actually, Troy and Melissa were the first to arrive on Christmas eve; and of course they brought their two boys, Aaron and Elijah.  Let's see...who else?  Oh, the missionaries showed up at around 8pm.  Elder Mason (who happens to be from Kennewick, WA), and Elder...hmmmm what is his name?  Anyhoo, they were busy gentlemen on Christmas Eve, so I'm really glad they were able to come eat with us at the end of the night.  Then to add to that crowd  we had our own little family! All of us minus Cydney, Plus Mom! OH and MOM, she made...ahhh What a WONDERFUL meal she cooked up!!! She made two types of Pozole -considering she is Mexican, having that traditional dish was expected and much desired!  We all decided to go for a new taste and try out the Green Pozole, or in other words, Pozole Verde, and let me tell you: IT WAS GOOD!  Of course we also had the Pozole Rojo, as usual, and that tasted the same as every year; not that it's a bad thing, it's just that the Pozole Verde stole the show! Our meal also consisted of chips, salsa, tostadas, Ambrosia (made by Julia  and it was delish!), some amazing raspberry punch, a delicious cheese cake (bought at Cheesecake Factory, and then two delectable homemade blueberry pies brought and made by Priscilla!  Oh what a night.

Christmas morning was not an easy one: we all had to wake up early and we were T-I-R-E-D! Alex had stayed up ALL night to separate everyone's gifts into their own special piles.  HAHA, to think of it, Julia and Corey described the scenery.  He had posted sticky notes to make a seating arrangement.  He placed Andy and on the floor, Corey and Julia separated, and Nani in an awkward place at the couch, and I think Mitch had the recliner.  Anyway, he's so cute to think of each of us, I just think he was way too excited to care where we all sat.

I don't want to get into what each and every person received this year, but let me just say that we were all very, immensely blessed. The Lord is good to us.  How can I possibly repay his love?  I am thankful that I have the faith that I do, it gives me hope and the desire to do good in this terrible and cold world!

Hope that each of you had a Merry Christmas!

Scouts are amazing...

Troop 668

 

Boys Scouts, that is.  OK Andy is right there, on the left. Cuuuute isn't he?? Oh and my baby boy, Alex, is standing in the front with the blue long sleeve shirt and the pack on his front. 

They took a 4 day canoeing trip down some river in KY.  I think it was a great bonding moment for Andy and Alex.  As a matter of fact, Alex said to his father, 'dad, I'm glad we could have this time together to bond. I enjoy sitting in the canoe with you, just the two of us,' at least that's the report Andy gave me. How sweet! 

I thought I would enjoy the time away from Andy, but I proved myself WRONG! I missed him like crazy!!! He's a fun man to have around. This definitely solidifies the thought that I am NOT going to let him do long haul trucking!!! 

I told you so...

Right now Andy and I are at the sleep study clinic at Hardin Memorial Hospital. Now you know where we are, don't come looking for us! He looks pretty dang funny with the 30, or so, wires stuck to his head, arms, and chest. I really can't look at him right now because it's making me laugh and he's getting irritated. He's going to lay right down on that bed right in front of me and attempt to sleep for the next 5 hours.. in the clinic. Oh boy. The bed that represents the who "household queen" is a little lopsided.  The room is kind of cozy but it still feels like a hospital. I would have put some pictures up on the walls to give it a more "homey" feel, or something. What about those artificial fireplaces? I saw some small ones for less than $300 at Big Lots. There's a wall right in front of me that would be the perfect place for a fake fireplace. Hmm come to think of it, we STILL haven't replaced the fireplace the guys tore down about three months ago. I'm considerably patient, but as soon as summer's over I'll be needing that fireplace.

So, the whole purpose of this sleep study is to figure out why Andy doesn't get a good rest each night. It doesn't matter if we go to bed at 9pm or 2 am, it's all the same scenario. He dozes off and begins to lose consciousness. Good, right? But within two minutes of his sleep cycle he starts to move his wrists, in a twisting manner. He twists them back and forth for about three seconds, then stops moving for about fifteen seconds, then inevitably twists them again. This cycle goes on for hours. I've stayed up counting the number of times per hour and gave up at an hour and 1/2.  I can't stand the wrist-twisting! He doesn't even have a clue that it's happening!  Sometimes I wake him up and tell him to stop, and he looks at me in a daze...then falls back to sleep.

Andy At the Sleep Clinic, prepping for the night.

Another interruption to his hollowed sleep stints is the seldom snoring that occurs when he's had a particularly busy day.  I will let him snore (keeping me up) for about two or three hours until I finally push him off the bed, or leave the room to find solace.  I am usually too tired to leave the room, so he gets a good beating from me most of the time.

Dang funny if you ask me!

Andy dreams a lot; I can tell! At least I think I can.  I've read that dreaming occurs during REM, which is the part of the sleep cycle that occurs once every 90 min. I've watched in this cycle on nights he's able to achieve REM, and in the morning he can usually recall a dream or two.  When he gets into a deep sleep and dreams (or doesn't dream) he usually doesn't know whether he's had a dream or not.  I know he has, though.  One way I found that out was the recent time he karate kicked me in the back of the thigh. I had to yell, "what the hell was that?!" And upon waking he had NO clue. HA!

Sleep, it's definitely precious, vital and something that our whole family lacks! I have to force myself to sleep most of the time, and it's been a real challenge.

Not the original, but it's a new start.

Taken at the Coliseum in Rome. The archway symbolizes a passageway into new adventures. Adventures we discover every day! 

I've probably started 5 or 7 blogs in the past -never kept up on them! I usually lose the blog address, or forget that I've even blogged. That's O.K., it's lost in cyberspace; and if I can't find it, no one can.

Today I am a bit heartbroken. I just got a call from my mom; my oldest cousin, Rogelio, was killed in a terrible accident at work. I feel so bad for his wife and children. It's going to be hard on my tia!

Andy knows that news like this usually gets me down. I'm going to be depressed for a few days, then I'll remember how blessed I am to have a beautiful family, a good life, all that goes into being human.